Thought To Be Spoken

I have a nice memory of you. It is very hard for me to let it go. I will never write the story of you and her because I don't want it to interrupt my story. I just want to keep the story of you and me only. I can write the story over and over again without getting bored but I will smile.

Letting go of someone isn’t nearly as hard as letting go of the memories. Cause when they’re gone, that’s all you have left of them.

How many times do I have to regret about the past? I know it such a wasting of time. I, maybe should NOT regretting the past but keep moving on. How? By having my friends with me. :)

If you spend your life regretting things in the past, before you know it you will have wasted your life on regret.


You can't lose what you never had, you can't keep what's not yours & you can't hold on to something that doesn't want to stay

Stephen, may be this is another reason why I want to hold you and keep you waiting.
Once you have been hurt, you are so scared to get attached again, you have a fear that every person is going to break you heart.

When I read this, I'm thinking. Give up or heartache?
Sometimes you just have to give up on people. Chasing after them is a heartache, especially when they don't try to meet u half way

Maybe it's true.
Sometimes you’re not afraid of letting go, you’re just afraid of accepting the fact that it’s gone.

Again and Again

Continue~~~~

Allen, in 2008, it was the first time we met each other during debate competition in my school. A day before my birthday. The first time I saw you, I know I'm falling in love at first sight. Your team is the government and we are the opponent. After finish, your team came approach us and shake hand. Then, we were watching other schools. I notice that you keep on turning your head back. How come I can notice that, because I'm watching you from the back there. hahahaha... After finish watching the debate, you guys were going back. And I make my move to pejabat warden with my friend to take speaker for poco-poco practice. And I saw you, your friends, and your teacher were sitting there. One of your friend waving at me and you just watching me standing at the door and I just smiling. That day, all I know is joy. But I don't know your name. The exact spelling of your name. I'm looking for you in the internet, friendster, facebook, myspace and etc. I ask my cousin about you whether she knows you or not. But it doesn't help me at all. I keep on thinking when I will going to meet you again. Putus asa dah aku. And my theme song for the story is Aku Sayang Padamu. That is why every time I sing that song feeling berabis.

And the next year 2009, we join debate for the second time. And we are going to see each other again for sure. When I heard SMK Kai Chung is our opponent, I think for sure you will join. And YES YES YES I saw you. You know how I feel that time..... but I have to cover it. Smiling. You and your team standing in the middle of the way and my team and I have to pass by you guys. I don't have the confidence to have an eye with you and I notice that you were watching me. Bila you balik naik van, I saw you smiling. Oh my. We never made the first move to know each other. 2009 is my last year in school. I can't join any debate to meet you. Putus harapan for me to see you for the third time.

And what? 2010 I saw you at Puspakom Sarikei. I'm taking a class for car lesson and we were in different class. Damn it. You were outside with your friends and I was inside with mum. The door was tinted with black. From outside you cannot see me but I can see you. Every second I'm watching you. I hope we can meet each other that one whole day.

One day, Edwin chat me in in fb. He found a new friend during his driving lesson which that new friend is his friend in his fb. I don't know why I'm being very kepoo ask for his new friend's fb. I check his wall and photo. Tengok punya tengok, I found a picture in his album. I click next looking for that face. I know it was A's face. I ask Edwin whether he know the guy in the picture. And yes. He knows A. I ask for A's fb. Before I add him, I think should I or should not I add him. Finally I add him. I told Edwin every thing. The same story I wrote here. He just sign up in facebook. The day I add him was fall on his birthday. The next day, he approves me. The next day baru dia post "Macam ku kenal jak" on my wall. He always go online late at night. Saya pun memang online lewat2. Sampai satu hari saya jarang online online lewat malam. Saya online awal pagi, dia pun tiba2 online awal pagi. If sapa2 online, we just leave a message there. hahaha... Tapi sayang hubungan kami tidak menjadi. Kami macam main tarik2 tali. Rasa itu ada cuma tidak diluahkan oleh masing2. Saya tau dia positif dan saya yakin juga dia tau yang saya positif. I don't know why why why he didn't make the first move even I had give so many clues. He wants me to do the first move? No I won't.

Your friend who becomes my best friend now, Jimbat told me, you macam orang gila searching for me in the internet, newspaper, etc etc. Always mention my name. Pendek kata, your friend said you are angau. Sampai Jimbat sanggup looking for me at KML. He wants to see what I have that had make you go crazy. I notice many of your friends add me in fb.

Dia kapel dengan orang lain. Brokenhearted. That time I was strong enough because I am not 100% sure about his feeling towards me before he made up with his gf. But after I knew it, I really disappointed.

Every time I write the story about you, I am smiling. How I really wish that I could turn back the time dear. I really wish for that. Really really.

What do I have to do to make you see she can't love you like me?
If I die then you will notice my presence?

I know I should not talk about this anymore. It is past. Every time I said this is the time I let him go, but you see. The story still there. Maybe the feeling still there too and that is why I want to hold Stephen and keep him waiting. Maybe he will say the same thing to me "What do I have to do to make you see Allen cannot love you like me? If I die then you will notice my presence, my love for you?"

And I notice something. They have one thing in common : The way they laugh.

Jimbat said "If d takut terluka, anang menaruh harapan yang tinggi agi. Maybe he is the one for you and maybe not."

I've been sitting here staring at the clock on the wall
And I've been laying here praying, praying she won't call
It's just another call from home
And you'll get it and be gone and I'll be crying

And I'll be begging you, baby, beg you not to leave
But I'll be left here waiting with my heart on my sleeve
Oh, for the next time we'll be here
Seems like a million years and I think I'm dying
What do I have to do to make you see she can't love you like me?

Why don't you stay? I'm down on my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely, don't I give you what you need?
When she calls you to go, there is one thing you should know
We don't have to live this way, baby, why don't you stay? Yeah

You keep telling me, baby there will come a time
When you will leave her arms and forever be in mine
But I don't think that's the truth
And I don't like being used and I'm tired of waiting
It's too much pain to have to bear to love a man you have to share

Why don't you stay? I'm down on my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely, don't I give you what you need?
When she calls you to go, there is one thing you should know
We don't have to live this way, baby, why don't you stay?

I can't take it any longer but my will is getting stronger
And I think I know just what I have to do
I can't waste another minute after all that I've put in it
I've given you my best, why does she get the best of you?
So next time you find you wanna leave her bed for mine

Why don't you stay? I'm up off my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely, you can't give me what I need
When she begs you not to go, there is one thing you should know
I don't have to live this way, baby, why don't you stay? Yeah, oh

Gila

I'm quite surprise that you boleh jadi gila because of me. If I see my picture that time, punya la bida. Rambut macam lelaki. Cikai2 mpu rupa. hahaha.. Adui... Ada juga orang gila2 ni. tapi aku kiut la time ya.. hahahaha....kihkihkih... How I wish I could turn back the time. Now, I don't see that we can be together. Maybe you have others and I have somebody waiting for me. AD, penangan d memang mendalam ba aku. Aku pan nda nemu nama kebuah.

To be continued ya... Lama dah ku online tu.

When I Say That I Love You

You feel that you are lonely
It doesn't prove that you are alone
You feel that nobody want you
It doesn't mean no one cares about you

Kesaksian

24/3/2012
Malam ni ada Malam Pujian dan Penyembahan CYC di gereja. Kawan ku cakap tunggu bas jam 6.45pm. Saya tidur jam 4++pm. Bangun 6.15pm. Tapi badan masih malas mau bangun. Kawan sorang lagi cakap exora ada dalam 7-8pm sampai. Saya fikir2 mau pergi ka tidak. Saya cakap saya ikut. Tapi masih baring-baring lagi atas katil. Herm.. Bangun dari katil, tengok fb. Fikir pasal PI. Saya ada terjumpa satu fb Warisan Sarawak di KL dan Selangor. Jadi saya try tanya macam mana mau pinjam barang2 untuk PI nanti. Good response from them.

Tengok jam 7.23pm. Pergi mandi. Tapi hati saya macam rasa mau dan tidak mau pergi. Tapi saya pergi juga. Sampai sana, memang hati saya kosong. Saya bermesej dan main game di hp sebelum event bermula. Sampai ada kawan tegur saya kenapa. Saya share sikit ja la. Memang hati saya tidak mau dan degil. Pujian dan penyembahan pun saya tepuk tangan ja. Mulut memang tidak mau nyanyi. Time pujian dari SIB Wangsa Permai, memang best mereka punya pelayanan. But my heart full of stubbornness even I like their pelayanan.

Dengar khutbah dari pendeta pun, saya dengar, dengar macam tu saja. Then, part paling saya tidak suka time part pendeta tu panggil ke depan bagi sesiapa yang mau menyerahkan hidup diri kepada Tuhan sepenuhnya. Walau pun hati saya tidak mau, saya paksa diri saya juga untuk pergi depan. Memang tiap kali ada doa2 macam tu, saya paling tidak suka. Kalau boleh saya mau mengelak dari tu semua. But I force myself. Force, force and force. Walaupun saya tidak bersedia untuk menerima semua tu, tapi saya pergi depan juga untuk minta didoa. Sebab saya fikir, maybe sekarang saya tidak mau, mana tau after I have been prayed by them, my heart will change. But tonight, after I have been prayed by one church member we have praise and worship again.

Tiba-tiba ja saya boleh nyanyi dan keluarkan suara. Siap angkat tangan memuji Tuhan lagi. Sebelum ni saya malu2 mau angkat2 tangan untuk memuji. Sukacita penuhiku! Puji Tuhan! Harap hati saya untuk esok masih sama terbuka dan terbuka.

By the way, Pastor SIB Wangsa Permai looks still young. Wow. Dahsyat. Mudanya dia jadi Pastor. Muda maksud saya sini muda macam dalam lingkungan 27 above umur dia tu. Before this I met Pastor yang agak berusia la. Tidak pernah nampak muda macam dia. Kehendak Tuhan untuk dia tu.

Kasih Masih Ada
Jonathan Prawira
Key: A

 A                E
Hanya Yang Pernah Merasakannya
F#M       E            D
Tahu Duri Dalam Dagingku
Bm            E       F#M
Ternyata Kaulah Yang Paling Mengerti
Bm           E
Rahasia Hatiku

 A                E
Walau Seakan Tiada Harapan
F#M       E            D
Kasih Yang T'lah Menjadi Dingin
Bm        E       F#M
Ku Suka Cara-Mu Memulihkan
Bm             E
Hatiku Yang Suam

Reff:
          A
Saat Yang Lainnya
E            F#M
Begitu Mudah Sirna
E            D
Kasih-Mu Ya Tuhan
E           A
Tetap Bertahan

E         A
Engkaulah Alasan
E        F#M
Hatiku Percaya
E         D
Kasih Masih Ada
E        A
Dalam Dunia

Dear Dendro's and KB's booster

Yes. I have my own penyunting-semangat-turun-kelas now. He is jeng jeng jeng. I like his eyes and his smile. Bagi semangat mau turun kelas tu. hehehehe... Harap-harap ni bukan perasaan yang serius. Kalau tidak, saya perlu bawa lagu Stevenson la ni nanti. Siti penanggur antara tua. Tapi kalu betul2 la macam sanggup juga saya ni. Cinta la katakan. Huahuahua... Ngok. Booster Dendro. Booster KB. Kelas lain tidak sama pula. Herm.. Tapi tidak la. Tidak bertuah dia nanti dapat saya. Why? Because this is what fruit I should reap for what I had planted before..

Saya jeles dengar satu cerita dari kawan saya. Erm.. Tidak apa. Kebahagiaan mereka kebahagiaan saya juga. Enough of one tear drops now. Keep it as a memory. Once you meet the one that once you loved, bless him because isn't blessing people is great. Isn't friend is better than deep relationship. No. I won't let that friendship gone.

One by one, leaving. From what I see. Tanpa mereka niat. Saya pun just let it be that way. No need to tell every one. Keep it by yourself. I must have that emotional smart, from what my lecturer said. Emotional smart where you can keep everything by yourself. Go for emotional smart. Deep in my heart, the heart is seeking for love, intention and attention to be loved and care. But I refuse. I don't like it. I got one now, but I can take it.

Thank you.

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid
I have loved you
For a thousand years
I love you for a thousand more

Relieve Everything In One Way by....

crying. It is just that I can do for this moment.

1st, I don't want to have any responsible in any event that I dislike.
2nd, the situation here is weird. I'm not comfortable living in this college.
3rd, hemorrhoid. I wish you will grow until level 4.
4th,not good to be shared here.
5th, not good to be shared here too.
6th, my heart is missing home.
7th, I want to have a home food.

I really want to give out everything by crying.
Die is the word always came across my mind this week. But I look at Him. But again, my faith is not very strong.
What if I die tomorrow? Many things will be end. No need to think much. Everything will go fine and smooth. I can have rest for the whole of my life. And the most important is I don't have to think about my past. The fruit that you have to reap before. I don't have to face that. I wish the last person I want to capture in mind is my mum. I don't have to see their wedding. Love won't change anything for now. It just because of me. Will be okay is not a promise because the situation was changing even we act like normal in front of others.